Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (reviewed in 100 words or less)

With all the quality of a budget porn flick and acting talent worthy of a junior high school production, Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus is a disaster movie in more ways than one. Despite snatching a 747 from the sky and eating an oil-rig, the bogus behemoths fail to convey any sense of danger whilst the two-bit actors can only be relieved that being eaten will prevent any further damage to their careers.

Terminator Salvation (reviewed in 100 words or less)

Who better to take on the dead horse that is the Terminator franchise for a bit of a flogging than McG, the director responsible for the stylish but indisputably bad Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.
Deservedly earning itself a colon in some territories, Terminator Salvation is a tedious examination of what a self-aware military artificial intelligence and a human resistance force absolutely would not do if pitched into battle with one another. Skynet, Michael Ironside and McG all make tactically suicidal decisions at every turn. I bet Christian wishes he'd Baled out when he had the chance.

Star Trek (reviewed in 100 words or less)

With countless sweaty nerd hands poised to post baQa' on sci-fi forums around the world, launching the Genesis device into the ailing Star Trek universe wouldn't be an inconsiderable undertaking, even for so reputable a director as J. J. Abrams.
Wisely selecting an 'alternate timeline' as a cover for any indiscretions, Abrams presents the development of the iconic James T. Kirk from birth to his first stint in the captain's chair. Inspired casting, excellent acting and stylish camera-work make up for the average plot, inconsistent humour and a slightly awkward Nimoy cameo. Even the nerds had little to complain about.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (reviewed in 100 words or less)

It's usually a bad sign if a movie has a colon and, regardless of how perfectly Jackman plays the adamantium-enhanced anti-hero, the colon curse is all over this one. XMO:W is a litany of missed opportunities that fails to service existing followers or attract new ones. Heroes and villains that long-time fans look forward to exposing to the uninitiated turn out to be weak reinventions and hardly worth the screen-time. The plot stays reasonably true to its comic forebear but cramming such extensive canon into this short, forgettable and generic action flick clearly doesn't do it justice.

Elegy (reviewed in 100 words or less)

'Elegy' stars Ben Kingsley as an ageing literature professor who seduces one of his beautiful students. Uncertainty and discomfort prevail as we are shown what may be recognisable, sometimes unsavoury, aspects of ourselves or our loved ones. Despite this, the questionable moral foundation of the lead and the intentional cultural distance of his muse restrict emotional attachment to the characters. Dennis Hopper provides some relief, offering crass relationship advice to his beseiged literary chum but the overall experience is a dark and melancholy one. You should see it, but tee up 'Sexy Beast' or 'Without a Clue' to watch afterward.

Fast and Furious (reviewed in 100 words or less)

A trip to see one of Vincent Diesel's motorcentric blockbusters usually promises a healthy injection of car-porn alongside a supporting cast of hot guys and gals. Sadly, along with The, Fast and Furious has lost everything that made its prequels such an unlikely success.
Diesel and his good cop/bad cop buddy mumble their way through one implausible scene after another, working to avenge the death of his ugly ex-girlfriend, murdered by a gang of incompetent drug-runners.
More The and more Drift may have saved this movie, but it seems that Vin and co. are as bored with the series as we are.

Knowing (reviewed in 100 words or less)

I recently saw a short amateur film in which the characters were played by children's toys. The puppeteers would scarcely attempt to hide their hands as they gripped GI Joe's feet. Wobbling his stiff, plastic body back and forth, they delivered the improvised dialogue and occasionally cut the shot to present their toy stars in one dramatic pose or another.

Not dissimilar, then, to Nicholas Cage's performance in 'Knowing', an action-speckled slow-season release with religious overtones. Nevertheless, some military-grade special effects keep this movie's chin above the bar, just, and keep me from feeling it was a total waste of time.

*UPDATE* Heroes, Series 3, Episode 20, 'Cold Snap'

When I hit up IMDB to see who wrote this episode I was surprised to find that Kring himself was credited. The page has since been updated to show that it was in fact Bryan Fuller who penned 'Cold Snap'.

Heroes, Series 3, Episode 20, 'Cold Snap'

** Warning, contains spoilers **

Ranging from implausible to downright confusing, this week's episode was a mess of disconnected and badly scripted scenes.

The bizarrely incongruous Dexter-style shaving scene with Mr. The Hunter at the top of the show led to an awkward scene with Noah and Angela in a taxi. From there it was all downhill.

Discovering that Micah was 'Rebel' was about the only thing that did make sense in this episode but, when cornered in an underground car park, I would hardly believe that the self-serving Tracy might surrender to save Micah, let alone sacrifice her own life in the process (or did she? *wink*).

The odd Gwen Stefani and Paris dream-scenes were a poor way to send off Daphne. Inconsistent budget allocation left Parkman flying in an 80's pop video whilst Tracy exploded into a billion reflective CG ice shards.

To say this was an off day for Tim Kring would be an understatement. The script was clumsy and spattered with cheap 70's Bond style cliche. I could picture Roger Moore delivering the 'cold snap' line and was surprised there wasn't mention of 'frozen assets' or 'chilling out' or 'a frosty reception' or... I could go on.

It's difficult to fathom where Heroes is going at the moment. Viewing figures are in decline and I don't think this episode will help.